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When we think about depression, we often think first about sadness, hopelessness, or losing interest in things we once enjoyed. But depression is much more diverse than that. Two people can receive the same diagnosis and experience very different combinations of depressive symptoms. For example, even the same symptomatologic areas can be affected in opposite ways: some people may sleep much more than usual, while others struggle with insomnia and have difficulty sleeping.

Amidst growing discourse surrounding mental health, there is one condition that, I feel, has been left out. That condition is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The condition has been discussed previously on Inspire The Mind, both in regard to avoidance and reproductive care and first-hand, lived experience. I strongly recommend reading these pieces to get a fuller understanding of the condition.

Everyone has had one of those nights where they feel overwhelmingly Lonely. Lonely within your body, heart, and mind—all at once. It’s a feeling similar to living unexplainably separate from yourself. You hope it won’t revisit as often as it does. The Loneliness lingers, almost long enough to graduate into its mentor, Depression. Loneliness tries to impress its more overpowering sibling until, finally, Depression allows Loneliness to take shelter under its wing.

With every burst of laughter I drew from the crowd, the loneliness behind my makeup grew a little deeper. My name is Shopia Green. I am a circus clown, and the image of my red nose, abandoned on the dressing room table, is the most honest photograph of my life. It is not just a prop; it is a portal. On one side, the vibrant world of the spectacle, where I am the embodiment of joy. On the other, the silence that consumes me when the last spotlight on the ring fades.