The needle whirrs and purrs, and an image of a naked woman reading a book, her head exploding into fireworks slowly appears on my skin. The ceiling’s pattern looks beautiful from where I am, despite the intense brightness of the tattoo artist’s lights. This is my fourth tattoo—but unlike the first three, this one carries a deeper, sadder meaning.

There’s no easy way to say this: we lost our baby. At 12 weeks, after hearing the heartbeat and seeing that small, flickering light on the ultrasound, we felt like we were past the hardest part. But sadly, our first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage, and everything changed.

I can’t quite pinpoint when it all started — the hatred towards myself and my body, the unparalleled self-loathing, and the unwavering desire to limit my food intake. But once I’d entered the world of disordered eating and everything that came with it, it became increasingly hard to leave. 

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