Getting Men Talking About Their Feelings
Five tips I learnt from my research with new fathers
It’s a common myth that men don’t talk about their feelings, but they absolutely do – under the right conditions.
Talking about our feelings is important because it provides a window into our mental health and wellbeing. Spotting any issues early can prevent them from escalating, and sharing concerns helps us to see them from a different perspective. As the saying goes: a problem shared is a problem halved.
The recent Men’s Health Strategy for England recognises that men experience unique health challenges and have a lower healthy life expectancy than women, yet they are less likely to talk about their problems and seek help.
Research shows that the transition to fatherhood is a particularly critical time for men’s wellbeing, marked by intense psychological, physiological, hormonal, behavioural, social, financial, and lifestyle changes. So, getting men talking about their own wellbeing during the perinatal transition is especially important to support their long-term health. And that’s what I tried to do!
I am a mature doctoral student at Birkbeck College, University of London. My PhD in Organisational Psychology aimed to understand how fathers’ wellbeing unfolded through their experience of parenting leave.
Through my experience of interviewing fathers, I learnt a lot about getting men talking about their feelings, and I wanted to share some of that with you in this piece.
What Did I Do?
Parental leave - paternity, parental or adoption leave - is often suggested as a crucial way to support men’s wellbeing through the transition to fatherhood, as well as the wellbeing of the wider family. Yet, the UK’s statutory paternity leave is the least generous in Europe. Recent public campaigns have brought increasing public attention to the issue, and a parliamentary review is currently ongoing. So, understanding how parenting leave affects fathers’ wellbeing is both timely and vital to drive change.
To do that, I conducted a ‘qualitative longitudinal’ research study following the wellbeing of 24 fathers from a range of occupations and family circumstances around England through their parenting leave journeys. I interviewed them three times each: before, during and after their leave, to produce a rich and deep understanding of how fathers’ wellbeing unfolded during this critical time.
There are many perspectives on what wellbeing is, and through extensive reading I realised that one common aspect of wellbeing is feeling more positive than negative emotions. This meant that to understand fathers’ wellbeing I needed them to talk about their feelings.
What Did I Find?
Before I started my study, I thought it might be difficult to get men talking about their feelings. Yet, as I interviewed these fathers, I was struck by how open they were. They told me about emotional experiences that followed unique dynamic trajectories, fluctuating in response to what was happening in their lives at different points throughout their journeys. Some fathers described reasonably stable feelings, while others experienced a volatile “rollercoaster of emotions”. Some talked about points when they felt ecstatic highs or confided in me about distressing lows.
Before their baby was born, fathers told me about their nervousness about the birth, their worries about how their existing children might respond to the new baby, or how they were going to juggle work and family responsibilities.
While they were on paternity leave, after their baby arrived, they talked about the euphoria of holding their newborn and the overwhelming love they felt for their partner and children, alongside anxiety about their partner’s health and recovery from labour, frustration at the UK’s poor statutory paternity leave, and the fear of not knowing what to do as a new parent.
After they returned to work, fathers described the double pressure of feeling great responsibility for their family without letting folks at work down, the guilt of not having time to do enough for their family, and anxiety for their children’s health and ongoing development.
Once these fathers started talking, it was like opening a floodgate. Talking to me was a valuable opportunity for them to let it all pour out. Throughout their perinatal journey, many of these fathers described feeling sidelined, powerless or unimportant. A couple of them even remarked that taking part in my research was the only time that anyone asked them how they were doing.
They had been left to navigate this extraordinarily emotional life event without acknowledgement, recognition, or support. No wonder more than one in ten fathers experience postnatal depression, and some resort to unhealthy coping strategies.
What Did I Learn? Five Tips For Getting Men Talking About Feelings
Through conducting my research, I realised that talking about their feelings can be hugely beneficial for men’s mental health and wellbeing, but they so often lack the opportunity. I want to encourage people to get more men talking about their feelings, so here are five tips that I learned through my work:
Have a purpose
It’s not that men can’t or don’t want to talk about feelings; they just need a reason to. Most men don’t see any point in talking about feelings for the sake of it, or worry about burdening someone else with their concerns. So, if you want men to discuss feelings, they need to know what purpose it will serve. Positioning the conversation as a way of helping others is ideal.
Ask direct questions
Men don’t tend to volunteer their feelings, but they will often talk about them if you ask. Feelings are often considered a taboo topic, so asking direct questions gives them permission to talk.
Create a safe space
When talking about their feelings, men make themselves vulnerable, so they will only do it if they feel safe. This is partly about being in a physical place that is sufficiently private, but equally about trust and feeling psychologically safe. So, give them your full attention, listen without judgment and respect the confidentiality of what they tell you. Sometimes this safe space has to be built up through a series of conversations over time.
Opening and closing the conversation
Men are more likely to feel comfortable talking about feelings if you start a conversation with innocuous topics first. It can also help to ask about their thoughts on a topic before discussing their feelings about it. Similarly, men may feel vulnerable after sharing their feelings, so it’s a good idea to talk about a lighter topic before wrapping up the conversation.
More practical tips
Look out for indirect language or negation when men describe their feelings, such as saying they feel “down”, “low” or “not great”, rather than naming emotions like sad, disappointed or scared. Additionally, many men find it easier to talk while doing an activity together, and they typically prefer to talk about emotive topics side-on; shoulder-to-shoulder can feel less confrontational than face-to-face.
Over to You!
Of course, it’s important to recognise that every man is unique, and our communication should always be adapted to men as individuals. However, keeping these tips in mind enabled me to get men talking openly about their feelings for my research.
In addition to these starting points, there are no doubt other techniques you may already use in everyday conversation with your sons, partners, brothers, fathers, and friends. However you go about it, since it’s so important for promoting wellbeing, we should all try getting the men in our lives to talk more about their feelings.
