My Journey to the Science of Social Connection
- Ahmad Muntadhar
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
Loneliness is sometimes sad and uncomfortable, and I think we like to pretend it isn’t happening when it is. We hide the feeling from people we know, like saying it out loud means something is wrong. I now reject this and would like to say: I need social connection, and I’m not afraid to say it anymore!
I’m working as a student research assistant in a psychology research lab that looks at adolescent mental health, more specifically, loneliness. I’m coming to the end of my placement (which I am very sad about by the way), and I’ve realised this hasn’t just been about getting experience or figuring out if I like research and academia. It has actually changed how I think. This sounds dramatic, but it’s true. By the end of this, I hope to offer some insight into how important social connection is and maybe get you to rethink the way you see loneliness, not just as a personal feeling, but as something shaped by the world around us.
Before I continue, it is important to make a distinction between being alone and feeling lonely. These are not the same thing. Feeling lonely is a subjective, uncomfortable feeling of disconnect that comes from a gap between the relationships you want and the ones you actually have, while being alone is more of an objective and neutral physical state. We can choose to be alone, but we can’t really choose to be lonely. That means you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone, or be physically alone and feel completely fine.
I’ve felt lonely living in a house with eight loud, social people, and I’ve also felt completely fine living alone. It’s not about how many people are around you. It’s deeper than that.
Also, just to note, loneliness isn’t inherently bad. In small doses, it can actually be quite adaptive; it’s like your brain is telling you that you need social connection. It only really becomes a problem when that feeling sticks around for too long, or when the reasons behind it are out of your control.
Loneliness is a social justice issue
This was the first paper my supervisor sent me when I started my placement, and I remember thinking, ‘Oh, loneliness is quite political!’
The paper argues that the way society is set up now actually feeds into loneliness. It links this to neoliberalism, which is basically the system that pushes individualism and independence. In simple terms, it promotes the idea that you should be self‑sufficient and manage everything on your own, rather than relying on others or working collectively.
You can even see this in workplaces. Research shows that modern industries can push people to think and act as individuals, for example, by weakening unions, or even through teamworking that still measures and separates people. So, even when you’re in a “team”, you’re not always made to feel like part of one. At the same time, neoliberal ideology tends to increase competition and reduce people’s sense of connection to others. This can make people feel more alone and harm their well-being.
We’ve therefore normalised the pressure of figuring out life alone, instead of within communities. When put in a system like that, it becomes much easier for loneliness to persist. It’s not surprising anymore; it’s normal.
Privilege Check
And once you start thinking that loneliness is the norm, it becomes hard to ignore that access to social connection isn’t equal.
Instead, like most good things, access to stable social connections is a privilege. It’s easy to say “just go out and connect” when you actually feel like you belong in the spaces around you. But in reality, not everyone does. Some people don’t feel like they belong; some face exclusion or discrimination; and some just don’t have the time, money, or access to places where connection can happen easily.
To list a few, lack of green spaces, travel costs, and family, financial, and academic responsibilities all create real barriers. And those barriers are not evenly distributed. Some people have to work much harder just to access the same opportunities for connection.
So “just go meet people” is terrible advice! It ignores the fact that for some people, that option isn’t as easy as it sounds. We need to start thinking about whether the opportunity for connection is actually available to everyone.
The self-shame is real, but it shouldn’t be
Before, I saw loneliness as a personal thing. Something I was responsible for fixing. Like if I felt lonely, it meant I hadn’t tried hard enough to connect, or that I was somehow socially “failing.”
But that whole way of thinking is wrong, and it actually makes things worse. It puts all the responsibility on the individual and ignores what’s happening around them. What ends up happening is a cycle. People feel lonely, feel embarrassed about it, don’t talk about it, and then feel even more isolated.
So, it’s not just that people are lonely; it’s also that they feel like they’re not supposed to be lonely, like it means something is wrong with them. But the reality is, loneliness is actually really common. A lot of people experience it at different points in their lives, even if no one is talking about it out loud. The need for social and emotional companionship is universal. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It just means you’re human.
Social connection is major
Social connection matters in small, everyday ways. Not in a “have loads of friends” way, but in meaningful moments.
I have always had a habit of going into spaces and rushing myself to get out. Walking into a shop, avoiding eye contact, paying, and leaving. But there is life in asking the shopkeeper how their day has been, saying hello, talking to people around you instead of pretending they don’t exist.
I’ve realised most people are a bit shy too. There’s this unspoken rule where no one wants to be a bother, so we all avoid interaction, even when we might actually want it. But for me, that’s something I’m trying to unlearn. It’s always nice to chat, even briefly.
Side note, but relevant: if you ever worked in retail, you may agree with me here. I have, and I promise you, if you want to ask if there is another size in stock, please do. I have gone through whole shifts without a single interaction, just hoping someone would ask me anything. People don’t want to be a bother, so they stay quiet, but honestly, ask. Those small moments are still moments of connection sometimes!
And something I’ve really loved about this placement is getting coffee with my colleague after lunch. It’s not just about the coffee; it’s the walk there and back, the quick catch-up, the small break in the day where I get to be out of my own head and in a conversation. That changes everything. I think we underestimate how much these small moments add up.
I don’t think I’ve solved loneliness, but I definitely see it differently now. It’s not something to be embarrassed about, it’s just a signal that you need connection. I’ve started noticing it more in myself and in other people. And instead of ignoring it, I’m trying to do something about it.
Loneliness isn’t something to hide from. It’s something to respond to, individually, but also as a society.
