Bonded by Anxiety
- Samantha Wood
- Sep 19
- 5 min read
Updated: Oct 2
My mind is calm; my breathing is slow and persistent; and my hands aren’t shaking. I couldn’t have said that years ago, and I most certainly would not have gotten where I am without him.
My partner, Roger, was the saving grace I never saw coming, but when I needed it the most. Roger and I met by chance, through a Meetup group (a site that allows people to join groups based on personal interests and hobbies). We only spoke a few words, and it was months later before we began learning about one another through text messages.
At the age of 38, I have lived a life that doesn’t seem real. I have very little family support and was raised by an emotionally absent mother and an alcoholic father. I was a teen mom and have been married and divorced twice. I’ve experienced abuse as a child, as well as abuse and adultery in my marriages. I’ve spent most of my adult life in the courtroom battling over custody, only to have my son abruptly leave my life. I’ve held my pets in my arms as they passed–three of them in two years’ time. And today, I am a freelance writer, storyteller, and pet caretaker carrying all of that pain on my shoulders.
I felt like I always needed to explain myself to new people, in one way or another. I got nervous with seemingly simple tasks like talking on the phone or going out alone, and I rarely drove anywhere by myself. Roger, like many, wanted to know why I was so elusive. I danced around the subject, as always, explaining that I wasn’t always comfortable on my own and was new to the city. But Roger was persistent. He wanted to get to know me on a deeper level, and our talks went from sporadic messages during the week to deep-dive conversations on life throughout the day. I warmed up slowly, as we shared our day-to-day lives, dreams, and even our secrets.
But explaining my anxiety through text didn’t feel like it did justice to how severely I panicked over the smallest details in real life. I tried to give words to the flight of thoughts and worries I had over completing “normal” adult tasks and how difficult it was for me to fall asleep each night. To my surprise, my words weren’t dismissed as silly or exaggerated. Roger confided in me his own struggles with anxiety. He explained that he had gone through years of therapy and was on medication to keep him calm. When asked today, Roger explained his feelings on my anxiety, “I saw that you needed help, and there was no one there to help you. I felt like it was my calling to help you.” My new friend assured me that I could get better, though I couldn’t fathom a life of calmness.
As Roger and I grew closer, he began to challenge me. He asked me to write positive things about myself or to call him on the phone. I struggled with my thoughts and insecurities, yet I gathered the courage and pushed through each task. For, what may have been the first time in my life, I was rewarded. “I’m so proud of you,” came his upbeat voice. I scoffed at the compliment, yet I couldn’t shake the confidence that I felt after hearing his words.
Time went on, and we learned to lean on each other. The phone became our way of counselling one another through our panic or worries, and we always stayed available for one another. Roger would call me on the road during work, or even somewhere like the grocery store, just to distract his mind.
It was a tactic he was teaching me to control my own anxieties, and I was quick to help out a friend in need. I got creative with my words and would think up the most random questions or scenarios to throw at him. Many would involve animals’ personalities or behaviour. I figured, who can resist imagining a cuddly critter performing tricks or creating friendships with other species? I’d reel Roger into my unique world, invite his commentary, and listen to his voice soften. “You’re so stupid,” he’d laugh, and I knew that he felt better.
“That’s something I never had,” Roger admits to me, “I had people help me, but I never had people understand me.”
My panic always hit the worst at night and often left me screaming and crying on the bathroom floor or out on the deck. With shaking hands and tears flowing, I called my safe place. Roger listened as I rambled through the endless worries in my head for hours into the night. I couldn’t calm as quickly as he had learned to do himself, but he never hung up. I knew he was tired and had work in the morning, but Roger knew I needed him and didn’t give up. Looking back on that time, Roger reflects on his empathy for me, “I would leave my problems aside to try to comfort you, to try to help you get better because I know how scary it is. That’s the secret to this issue: You just have to distract your mind.” It was that night, and so many more, that our shared mental health struggles created a bond stronger than I could have ever imagined. Roger and I fell in love.
It’s been over 2 years now, and we’re both in a better place with our mental health. Roger got the courage to seek out a new job while also pursuing his dream as a Massage Therapist. He credits me for giving him the push that he needed to make positive changes, “You pushed me on stuff that I was scared I would fail. You gave me that confidence. You kept my head up. You’ve been a great support.” I finally took the steps needed to begin a career in writing and have used my own experiences to create published pieces. I’m on a steady medication for my anxiety, and I’m currently undergoing trauma therapy. I couldn’t have made those hard choices without Roger believing in me. The two of us live together, with our children and pets as a family. In fact, we are engaged and happily planning our wedding!
I truly believe that Roger and I were meant to find each other at just the right moment in our lives. Not only were we able to support each other through our anxiety, but we were also able to gain strength and courage in our love and follow our dreams. Our connection fought through the intensities of the mind and panic in our hearts and still reached for one another in the end.
Anxiety did not break us--Anxiety bonded us.
This article has been sponsored by the Psychiatry Research Trust, who are dedicated to supporting young scientists in their groundbreaking research efforts within the field of mental health. If you wish to support their work, please consider donating.