Helping teenagers make friends and build supportive relationships
- Rachel Kelly
- Oct 2
- 5 min read
When Prince Harry gave an impromptu speech last week at the Diana Award in central London, he talked of the loneliness that many young people experience, describing how they could feel isolated if “lost and separated from a group.”
Research also confirms that young people are experiencing high rates of loneliness, often at higher levels than older age groups. A large review identified loneliness as peaking between ages 18 and 29, with one in three young adults reporting frequent loneliness. In 2025, a survey found that 72% of 16 to 25-year-olds said loneliness negatively impacts their mental health, much higher than any other age group.
When talking to young adults, I have found some of the culprits for this loneliness are deemed to be the rise of social media, which ironically can exacerbate loneliness, not least because of fewer real-life interactions, but also because of the social comparison it creates, bullying, and adverse experiences online. COVID didn’t help, nor does the current cost-of-living crisis.
While it is true that it is not our job, as parents, to decide who should or shouldn’t be our child’s friends, we are nonetheless an interested party. We naturally wish for our teenagers to fraternise with supportive, suitable and loving peers, given how many teenagers are lonely or addicted to technology.
Somehow, we are aiming for balance – to stay involved, but in an age-appropriate way as our teenagers mature.
Making and maintaining friends is as good for our children’s emotional well-being as it is for our own. If our teenagers have friends they can rely on, the less we will worry. It is a pleasant feeling when our children’s peers reach out to support them; again, we know we are not the only people keeping an eye out for them.
The Neurological Context
From an evolutionary point of view, we are programmed to be part of a group, and adolescence is when our teenagers are finding theirs.
During the teenage years, there are considerable changes to the adolescent brain. Some academics explain how these changes affect their friendships and interactions with others. For example, at the start of puberty, the brain grows dramatically. The quantity of myelin, the fatty substance that coats the neurons and allows the brain to function efficiently, increases, affording the child a sustained burst of neural activity. These shifts, along with others, aid the brain’s gradual transition from childish ways of thought (impulsive and relatively unselfconscious) to adulthood’s more logical and ruminative modes.
One effect of these brain changes is a newfound teenage self-consciousness and self-awareness. Teenagers are particularly aware of their identity and whether they are popular. Having friends and being part of a group really matter to them more than it does to us.
Teen friendship is so crucial that going without it hurts: a brain-imaging study from the University of Michigan indicated that social rejection activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain. There is an evolutionary reason for this. Friendships are vital for life. Teenagers are going to have to rely on friends when they leave home. In the wild, some mammals without an adolescent peer group are as good as dead. No wonder friendships can feel like a matter of survival.
This fear of being socially excluded leads naturally to associated behaviour: the urge to fit in. Given the strong urge to be part of a group, teenagers will adjust their behaviour to fit in, wearing the same clothes, adopting the same mannerisms, habits and attitude as those in their friendship group. Their overwhelming incentive is to conform; sticking out from the crowd is truly frightening to them. Linked to the desire to fit in is a longing for approval and status.
The age at which teenagers want to become part of a tribe is different for every person, as each teenager develops at their own rate. True friendship is based on a solid foundation of mutual respect and individuality, and therefore needs a certain level of maturity and a capacity for social integration in our teenagers.
Supporting Teenage Friendships
A knowledge of some of the social challenges that our teenagers are facing means we can at least be a good sounding board for them, should they wish to talk to us about their relationships. Even better is to know some of the characters involved. This may entail welcoming their pals through the front door, as it were, of the family’s life.
Likewise, while it is unrealistic to stop them from retreating to their rooms, and we all need privacy, it’s nice if teenagers and their friends are greeted and made to feel welcome in the sitting room and kitchen, rather than isolating themselves from us. This subverts the mentality that it is us versus them.
This applies to teenagers hosting social events at home. Yes, they can have parties, but we parents will be around, especially for younger teens. Even if older teens have more independence, we can still be active hosts, putting names to faces, making eye contact, introducing ourselves and showing an active interest in their lives. The message is that relating to our teenager also means relating to us, their family. Our adolescents are a package deal.
For Those Struggling With Friendships
My previous comments assume your teenagers have friends in the first place. Plenty of teenagers don’t feel they have enough friends, of any kind: they have no one to sit next to, are left out of social media groups, and are not being invited to events. Teenage loneliness is a real and growing problem, as we’ve seen. One mother told me that her teenager had become so shy during COVID that she would send her to the shop with a written list to hand over to the shopkeeper in case she was struck mute with nerves.
For this group, we can reassure them that making friends takes time. Being a companion and keeping friendships going are skills we can learn, like any other skill, and our personalities aren’t fixed. It turns out we can, for example, practice being more extroverted, which, in moderation can lead to increased happiness. We parents need to build our teenagers’ belief that they will win on the friendship front eventually.
Low-pressure activities can work well. Suggest they meet up with someone for nothing more threatening than a walk in the park. They might try certain types of exercise with others – endorphins released by doing something physical boost mood and ease conversation. Team sports make particular sense: being on a pitch together allows teenagers to strike up a conversation about a common pursuit. Connections with others can be boosted by, quite literally, having a shared goal.
Meanwhile, boxing or Kung Fu, for example, can help teenagers feel physically powerful and learn to hold their bodies in a different way. Whatever exercise they choose, a regular commitment means they avoid the challenge of reaching out to others more randomly, with the possibility of rejection.
Loneliness is a growing problem for the young as we’ve seen, but parents, teachers, grandparents and anyone with an interest in adolescent and young people’s mental health may be able to help. The first step to solving a problem is to acknowledge it as publicly as possible - and for that, we can be grateful to Prince Harry.
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Rachel Kelly’s ‘The Gift of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less’ is available now at: https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-gift-of-teenagers/rachel-kelly/9781804193167
