How ‘down bad’ can you be when dating?
- Chloe Johnson
- Jun 25
- 4 min read
If you feel like dating is a Sisyphean task, you’re not alone.
As a neurodivergent woman, I’m probably (definitely) considered an ‘oversharer’ by some. This is something I am very conscious of and curious about in the context of dating. Given that one in four people in the UK struggle with mental health issues, I wonder why we are still so scared to open up about our struggles with mental health, neurodivergence and disability when dating.
According to a recent survey by Forbes Health, a total of 78% of people experienced burnout with online dating, and younger generations are feeling it the most. Why? Well, besides the standard rejection and anxiety that can come with putting yourself out there romantically (unfortunately, it’s never actually like Bridget Jones), in the current dating landscape there is also an influx of therapy language to parse, concepts such as “the ick”, an overwhelming fear of being “cringe”, and a lot of choice.
Theoretically, modern dating involves being open about topics like mental health, political beliefs and future hopes - dating app Happn reports that Gen Z are choosing to ensure they are compatible, often politically and sexually, before even agreeing to a date – but this pressure to be so perfectly aligned and open straight away can add up to a strange dissonance between thought and action… as well as a lack of meaningful connection. Simply put, we’re surrounded by a lot of noise, and that can be difficult to make sense of.
With a mental health condition, which one in four people in the UK experience, navigating this landscape can be even more complex, especially as it can feel as though there is a sense of obligation to be transparent about our mental health to potential romantic partners. With pop culture figures like Chappell Roan being upfront about their mental health, and films like The Substance reflecting the impact of societal pressure on our mental health, mental health conditions are firmly in the zeitgeist, and we’re thinking about how to accommodate our mental health more than ever before.
But this has also translated to an influx of self-improvement and therapy language to muddle through. With psychology terms like “love bombing”, “gaslighting”, “trauma-bonding”, and “trauma-dumping” (sharing trauma without considering the other person’s emotional capacity to receive it) making their way into dating lexicon, and often being misused, sharing about our mental health in a romantic setting can feel scarier than ever before.
How are you supposed to bring up a mental health condition to a potential romantic partner? When? Do you even have to? It can feel a bit “much” for a first date.
I spoke with several mental health professionals to understand their take on this modern dating problem.
Clare Patterson, a BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) registered therapist, argues that the concept of “trauma-dumping” can stop us from trying to connect with others and our past: “Needing to feel 100% ready or safe to share our traumas is never going to happen, as it will always feel somewhat uncomfortable, and so looking for this guarantee from the outside world is likely to keep us frustrated and our partner confused. It may be they are much more open to what we want to share than we think.” Equally, you might learn that a therapist might be a better option, as they can listen from a non-judgmental perspective.
She goes on to say that relationships should allow room for mistakes and exploration when sharing information: “You can trust your partner to tell you if they don’t have the time or headspace for what you are sharing, and this can be a good point of ‘re-navigation’ in the relationship for you both. It is only by sometimes over-sharing and sometimes under-sharing that we can reach a healthy balance, and this cannot happen if we are afraid of either.”
Effective communication is known to be the hallmark of a great relationship, but perhaps being so focused on perfection can lead to an intolerance of the little human imperfections that come naturally when getting to know one another. On the flip side, oversharing too soon can also leave you feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed.
Kamalyn Kaur, a BACP accredited psychotherapist, says that finding the right balance is all about boundaries and timing between you and your prospective partner: “If your health conditions affect your daily life, it’s totally fair to bring them up early on, especially if they might impact your relationship… Dating is about building trust step by step, so take your time, and don’t feel pressured to lay everything out at once.” In fact, Kaur comments that sharing challenges in your life can “invite understanding and support [which] is more likely to create connection”.
The same discernment with which we’re desperately trying to cultivate meaningful relationships can also negatively harm those with mental health conditions, disability, or chronic illnesses, who may not necessarily always keep things as light as those without, as well as neurodivergent people who may “overshare” compared to a neurotypical person. For most, it’s not their intention to exclude people, but it is an unfortunate side effect of the words we use and the social constructs we value.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that having a mental health condition doesn’t mean that you can’t be a great, loving, supportive partner, or that you have to stop looking for ways to grow and change from mistakes. We’re all human, learning as we go and…well, we all have bad days, don’t we?