Infertility: A Silent Condition That Touches Many Chords
- Lucia Roberta Russo
- Apr 29
- 5 min read
Infertility can affect each and all of us. You could be a very healthy stranger jogging in the park, your young nephew who recently graduated, or your neighbour hosting yet another baby shower for a friend. We can all be affected.
If you’re one of them, you know only too well what infertility means. The term "infertility" applies to a situation when an individual or a couple is attempting to conceive but cannot establish a pregnancy after 12 months of regular, unprotected intercourse.
In this article, I’d like to share some insights and personal reflections I’ve gained during my PhD, working as a psychological researcher with individuals facing infertility treatments at the Institute for Maternal and Child Health “IRCCS Burlo Garofolo” in Italy.
Since the focus of this article is to examine the emotional, relational and existential implications of infertility, you may also find my previous article, Aspiring Parents: Insights for Those Seeking Medical Assistance, relevant; it's a read for anyone—whether facing infertility or not—considering or currently undergoing medical procedures.
An Intimate – But So Public – Issue
Constantly facing the question, “Are you having Kids?” is exhausting. And maybe, instead of answering honestly, you find yourself offering a variety of excuses, each time tailored to the different people who ask: family members at Christmas gatherings, colleagues during coffee breaks, friends at children’s birthday parties, and so on. This defensive reaction is understandable. Discussing such a personal issue in a five-minute coffee break with an annoying colleague, or around a table of ten relatives with children screaming in the background, is not very comfortable.
Infertility is often a deeply isolating and silent condition. Individuals facing this problem typically keep this private, choosing not to share it even with close family or friends. This is because the emotional impact of infertility is overwhelming and not easily discussed. Indeed, infertility brings significant psychological stress and emotional vulnerabilities. People can experience common emotions like shock, sadness, anger, grief, and frustration, or more clinical issues such as anxiety and depression. Moreover, feelings of shame can also lead to hiding this condition, as those facing infertility may perceive themselves as being seen by others as somehow unattractive, defective, different, or unlovable.
Reminders of the inability to have children seem to be everywhere—even something as simple as watching a family movie or meeting up with friends who have children can be painful. People may even seek relief from stress by actively avoiding situations and prompts of infertility, such as distancing themselves from friends with children, or excusing themselves when conversations turn to pregnancies and parenting.
Furthermore, it is important to consider that the social context in which we live shapes the experience of infertility.The sociocultural contexts matter as, in certain societies, childlessness —particularly in women—may face blame and stigma. This stigma surrounding infertility profoundly affects the well-being of those experiencing it, often leading to poor mental health and a reduced quality of life. Therefore, socioeconomic disparities have a considerable impact on the mental health of women with infertility, and in some cases, infertility may even increase the risk of domestic violence against women.
Infertility can lead to a negative sense of self, driven by a range of factors. One significant impact is a perceived loss of personal control over one’s life. In fact, people may have invested considerable time and energy into planning for a family, and an unexpected diagnosis of infertility can be profoundly destabilising. Feelings of inferiority and inadequacy may emerge, in comparisons with others who have had no trouble starting a family, leading to thoughts of failure from both social and biological perspectives. Additionally, body image can suffer, as infertility is a condition that affects the body’s natural functioning, potentially leading one to feel as though their body is "not working as it should”.
Being in a couple’s relationship is not always easy. It’s a balance between personal freedom and shared spaces, individual and mutual goals, similarities and dissimilarities. In this space, personal vulnerabilities may emerge and seek their place on a common ground that may sometimes feel supportive and, at other times, challenging. Infertility can disrupt the delicate balance within a relationship, as the shared aspiration of having a child is altered. Indeed, couples who share the same desire often experience greater satisfaction in their relationship compared to those without a common goal. Moreover, sexual problems and fear of losing a partner’s love can emerge, particularly when one partner feels responsible for infertility.
Infertility can even trigger an existential crisis. When something unexpected like an infertility diagnosis occurs it can force people to re-evaluate personal beliefs. Even religious or spiritual beliefs can be shaken, leading to profound psychological effects, especially when reconciling these beliefs with infertility feels impossible. Such beliefs are closely tied to one’s identity, and many may struggle to find meaning in their reality.
Infertility: only a loss or a possible resource?
So, is that it? It seems that there is little good news for those facing infertility. However, research offers hope by highlighting the positive aspects of embracing unconventional paths, such as non-traditional parenthood or a child-free lifestyle.
For example, families formed through medical procedures are usually a group of resilient people who tend to develop stronger family relations. An essential factor in this process is the quality of a couple’s relationship, which shapes the experience of infertility. Mutual support and effective communication are indeed fundamental to successfully undergoing infertility treatments. In fact, perceiving a partner as supportive enhances communication within the couple, making it easier for couples to face critical decisions and overcome challenging moments together.
While parenthood is often considered a life model of fulfillment, research suggests that individuals without children may experience even greater life satisfaction, particularly women, singles, those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds, and people in societies less supportive of childbearing. Moreover, after an infertility diagnosis, reconsidering life plans and exploring alternative paths is often associated with a more positive outlook than feeling trapped in an unchanging plan. Therefore, actively embracing a life without children can provide a sense of empowerment and control over one’s circumstances.
Experiencing a health issue such as infertility is a profound events that could lead people to reconsider previous values, ideas, and projects. Such moments may inspire a re-evaluation of what truly brings fulfillment, whether that means accepting the possibility of a family with no children, discovering new purposes in life, or even pursuing a different career path.