Maggie watched the hustle and bustle move around her with ease. There was no quickening of her breathing or heart rate, and her chest hadn't tightened at all. Instead, she felt a rush of pride spread through her given just how well she was doing. Just the idea of being outside and around other people would have made her teenage self have an anxiety attack, and today she'd gone outside on her own free will - and for fun, no less.
So far that day, Maggie had met her friends at the theme park entrance and had waited in the lines to go on numerous rides. Now, her friends had all rushed off to go and grab some food while she found somewhere to sit and eat her packed lunch. It might seem silly to some, bringing your own food to a place like this with so many restaurants, but no one sold the peanut butter and banana sandwiches that she could practically live on, if she didn't have to consider the other food groups.
After taking a bite, Maggie took a moment to reflect on her surroundings. Not only was she sat there, unashamedly eating her favourite - albeit strange - sandwich, which had led her to getting laughed at back when she was at school, but she was outside doing it. It might not seem like much, but to Maggie it felt like climbing mount Everest.
As Maggie chewed through the sweetness of the sandwich, she thought back to when she was thirteen, and how she struggled to even leave her house, let alone sit and eat her lunch in public like this. For years she had fought silently with what she didn't even realise at the time were anxiety attacks. She had felt anxious as she got ready for school and after every social interaction, sure that she had said something wrong and that everyone secretly hated her. Just thinking back on that time made the familiar twinge of fear spark in her chest, and Maggie had to spend a few minutes box breathing, slowly in and out.
That was a long time ago, Maggie reminded herself, as the fear eventually gave way to a feeling of calmness. But despite this, a sudden wave of sadness crashed over her, as she remembered how often she had felt isolated and down. Back then, she hadn't met her friends yet, and she hadn't confided in anyone about her feelings. But most importantly, Maggie reflected, she hadn't even admitted to herself that she was struggling. The problem with feeling a certain way so often is that it becomes normal. And the longer it feels 'normal,' the more you can convince yourself that everything is okay, that you can cope, and that there is nothing wrong with you.
But of course, Maggie realised now, with the gift of hindsight, that there was something wrong - and she should have sought help to get better much sooner, if only she had realised that just because it was her normal, didn’t mean it was right, she didn’t need to keep living that way forever.
Unfortunately, Maggie only realised this after years of feeling this way; long after she left school, and not until a she had a routine check-up at the GP, where she made a joke about her feelings, only for her doctor to counter that she should think about getting some help- and that it doesn't need to be her 'normal.'
This was life-changing for her; that one comment led to Maggie booking another appointment with a mental health nurse which led to her getting diagnosed with anxiety and agoraphobia. She had finally realise that she had been experiencing anxiety attacks. From there, she worked really hard on herself - she started seeing a counsellor regularly, and took medication, that after a period of time, really helped lessen the anxiety she felt. And with the support of this mixture of medication and her counsellor helping her work out coping mechanisms, Maggie started to leave the house again, and over time, the anxiety she felt from being outside lessened more and more. She met her friends, and while she still did get anxious, she now knew ways to cope with it, instead of letting it consume her. She got better.
She just wished…
‘Hey mum, can we make a wish at the well, now?’
Maggie’s train of thought was disrupted by the sound of a child’s voice as he walked past her, pulling his mum slightly behind him. The mum laughed, and nodded, before leading him - or more like, being led by what appeared to be her five-year-old - towards a wishing well that was shrouded by branches, only a short walk from where Maggie was currently sitting.
How strange - she had just been thinking about a wish - something she could have changed, if she had the chance.
Maggie thought about it for a moment as she heard the excited laughter of the child as he walked back from the wishing well with his mum.
At that moment, Maggie didn't even think about it. She got up, put away the last part of her sandwich, and then walked over to the wishing well herself.
She stood above the black hole of the well, as the trees on the branches around her rustled gently in the wind. Maggie hunted for any kind of change she had, and eventually found a 20 pence piece that had lost its shine a long time ago.
Maggie shut her eyes as she let the coin go and listened to the silence until she heard the soft sound of it hitting the water amongst the soft sound of the leaves.
As soon as she heard the coin hit the water, she didn't have to think twice about her wish - it appeared in her head naturally, like the sun coming up every morning.
'I wish my younger self could have realised sooner that her anxiety wasn’t her fault.'
Maggie let the wish linger in her mind for a moment, until she felt ready to open her eyes. The only thing was, when she did, Maggie found herself no longer standing in front of the wishing well. In fact, she found herself standing outside of her childhood home. In the front garden, with the oak tree that towered over her when she moved out at age eighteen looking a lot smaller than she remembered it. The question is, how did she even get here?
Maggie took a moment to regard her surroundings, just in case there was a clear sign that this was some kind of dream - or maybe she fell and hit her head on the way back from the well - until she thought she saw something move in one of the upstairs windows - her childhood bedroom window. Could it be...
And then, just as the thought crossed her mind, she saw it - or rather, she saw herself, her younger self, staring down at her from her old bedroom.
Had her wish actually worked? As Maggie felt the bewilderment surge through her, she heard her young self call out from the now open window.
'Hey, you better go, or I'm going to call the police!'
Maggie felt a strange surge of pride at her younger self, suddenly having a flash of a memory - seeing her older self-outside, threatening to call the police until she was able to convince her younger self to let her inside. But what did she say, exactly? Maggie thought about it for a moment, hating having to lie to herself but somehow knowing, even then, that it was necessary.
'Sorry, my car broke down on the road and my phone is dead - can I use your phone, please?'
Maggie saw herself think about this for a moment, before disappearing, and then reappearing a moment later in front of the back door.
Maggie looked at her younger self - pale, exhausted, and struggling with a mental illness she didn't yet understand - and had to resist the urge to pull herself into a hug as she remembered just how awful she used to feel. But she had to resist - whether this was a dream or not, she couldn't give herself away.
'You can use the landline,' the younger her said, quietly. 'But my dad is in the shower, so don't try anything.'
Maggie smiled, grateful, yes, but mostly nostalgic, as she stepped inside her childhood home. It was just as she remembered, but brighter - more alive. She smiled at the sight of her schoolwork stuck on the fridge, and even the sight of school photos she had hated brought her joy.
She heard the younger her sigh as she pulled out a kitchen chair and gingerly sat down, as if she was analysing her every move. Maggie remembered doing that every time she was in front of other people - over analysing everything she said or did to make sure no one thought she was strange, or weird.
Once again, Maggie resisted the urge to hug her younger self as she typed in eleven random numbers into her old kitchen landline and pretended to ask a fake garage for help because her car had broken down. Her younger self watched her, trying her hardest to mask the anxiety Maggie knew all too well, as she hung up the phone.
‘Thank you - they said they'll be here in fifteen minutes,’ Maggie said.
Her younger self nodded. ‘Okay. Would you uh… like some tea, while you wait?’
Maggie thought about it for a moment, before realising that while leaving would be the logical thing to do, it would actually be the worst thing for her to do right now.
‘That would be lovely, yeah, thank you. Tea, milk and two sugars please.’
Her younger self nodded. ‘Same as me,’ she said, quietly.
Maggie took a moment to take in the absurdity of the fact that she was sitting there around her old kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea with her younger self.
Maggie let her tea cool as she watched the steam rise above it as her younger self took a sip and nearly choked on the piping hot tea.
Maggie even felt it burning her tongue as she jumped up to help her younger self. But luckily, after a moment of coughing, she seemed okay - if only very, very embarrassed.
'Are you alright?' Maggie asked anyway, even though she knew the answer. It was the same reason why her younger self drank the tea even though it was hot - to ease the awkwardness.
Her younger self nodded. 'Yeah, thanks.’
Maggie sat back down opposite herself, knowing that this was far from the truth. But how on earth could she mention it?
Her younger self sighed again, quieter this time, and fidgeting with her hands - a clear sign that she was feeling anxious, even now. Then Maggie realised exactly how she could take this opportunity to open up to her younger self. Or have herself open up to herself, she wasn't quite sure which way around it would go.
‘So… How’s school going? I remember school so vividly when I was your age,’ Maggie said, brightly.
Her younger self feigned a smile but couldn't quite look Maggie in the eye when she responded. ‘Yeah, it's fine.’
‘Do you have a favourite subject?’
Her younger self paused for a moment, and Maggie noticed tears shining in her younger self's eyes, before she quickly blinked them away.
‘...No, not really. I'm… not really a fan of school.’
‘Oh, that's fair enough. You know, I had a friend who was exactly the same.’ Maggie said, choosing not to mention that the friend was actually herself. ‘She was really anxious every day - but y'know, she still did really well in the end.’ She paused for a moment, realising just how much she meant the words she was about to say. ‘I'm really proud of her.’
‘That's nice,’ her younger self said, before she added, quietly. ‘She was anxious the whole time?’ It was as if she couldn't believe it, and Maggie knew that feeling well. Of first realising she wasn't alone, and that others felt the same way as her.
Maggie nodded. ‘Pretty much, until someone gave her a piece of advice way later that changed everything for her.’
Her younger self digested those words as Maggie felt the weight of the words that followed - and just how desperate her younger self was to hear them.
‘What were they?’
Maggie took a sip of her now cool enough tea before replying, as she suddenly found her mouth was dry.
‘It was just… That she didn't need to feel like that all the time. That just because it was her normal, it didn’t have to be. And that with help - from a doctor, from those around her, she could get better.’
Maggie watched her younger self gulp.
‘And did she? Get better?’
Maggie nodded, blinking back her own set of tears, as she watched her younger self nod and take all of this in.
‘That's good.’ She said, finally, before bringing her tea to her mouth and drinking. ‘That she didn't have to feel that way forever.’
Maggie nodded again. ‘It was hard, but she did it. And she is always telling me that it was the best thing she ever did.’
Her younger self gently put her mug of tea down, before asking. ‘And she… she just made an appointment with her doctor?’
Maggie nodded, as she watched her younger self take this in.
‘Right. I - I have a friend who feels the same, sometimes. I think I might tell them to see a doctor too - if it helped your friend so much.’
Maggie nodded encouragingly. ‘That sounds like a great idea.’
‘Thank you - for telling me.’ Her younger self replied, looking Maggie in the eye to smile, just slightly.
Maggie felt something settle in her chest. Her heart, possibly, beating steady with a rush of love towards her younger self, and she was about to say something else just as she heard a voice from faraway call her name. Was it her dad, from upstairs?
‘Maggie! Maggie!’
Maggie took a deep breath in and as she blinked, she suddenly found herself back at the theme park, and standing in front of the wishing well.
‘Maggie!’
Maggie turned to see her friends shouting her name and waving at her from the benches where she told them she'd be - in a moment that felt like it was a lifetime away. Maybe it was, she thought.
Maggie took one last look down into the darkness of the well as a flood of memories hit her. Sitting across from a kind older woman in the kitchen after her car broke down, hearing someone tell her what she so badly needed to hear, and talking to her parents so she could see a GP. How she got help sooner, and did so much more as a result, because she didn't wait. Because she didn't spend decades believing her anxiety was just a part of her life.
Maggie watched as a few tears fell into the well, and she wiped them away quickly before walking away, and back towards her friends.
They weren't sad tears, not exactly - no, she thought. They were tears of pride. For having the courage to listen to someone, to realise they could be right, and working to get better, so much sooner… it made her chest ache, she was so damn proud of her younger self.
‘You alright, Mags?’ One of her friends asked, as she reached them.
‘I'm great,’ Maggie said, realising that she was telling the truth, and that thanks to a wishing well, feeling great was a common occurrence throughout her life, all because she made that wish.