How Parents Can Talk to Their Teenagers About Sex and Pornography

Dads, what would you say in a letter to your sons? The Adolescence star Stephen Graham recently called on fathers to share messages to their sons for a new book call ‘Letters to Our Sons’.

Photo from Bloomsbury Publishing

An ongoing national conversation promoted by this psychological crime drama about a 13-year-old who is arrested for the murder of his female classmate continues. Much of that conversation has been about bullying, toxic masculinity - a term for stereotypically male behaviours that are harmful to men and society as a whole - and the watching of pornography online, which is as much an issue for the parents of teenage girls as it is for the parents of teenage boys.

It can be hard to stop children from seeing porn, even if the government in the future attempts to limit access to it via age verification for websites or other legal means. As one 16-year-old boy said to me wearily, "everyone just uses a VPN" (a virtual private network). Furthermore, porn is on social media sites too. Teenagers will often find a way to access porn if they want to. Research has also shown that pornography exposure is widespread and perceived as normal, with the average age at which children first see pornography being 13.

So, knowing that your teenagers may have watched porn, we can try to address specific complications it raises. Some teenagers may wish they had never seen porn. Others may wish they had understood it a bit better. We parents can help this understanding.

Photo from Pexels by Junior Teixeira

Watching pornography is unlikely to help your teenager be relaxed about their own body, given the narrow range of body types seen there. Ideally, we want teenagers to be more at ease with their appearance, particularly as in real life, there are many more kinds of bodies. They need to be at ease with their own bodies, by reducing their consumption of social media and its images of physical perfection, or by helping them build their self-acceptance. As parents, we can support this by avoiding the urge to comment on other people’s appearance.

Porn may also mean that teenagers struggle to enjoy themselves in relationships. Both sexes can find that they only respond physically to porn, especially if they consume it frequently. Several studies have shown an association between adolescent pornography use and self-critical evaluation of sexual performance and body image. Additionally, a recent review by the government found an influential relationship between pornography consumption and harmful sexual attitudes and behaviours towards women.

Before we even begin to raise this delicate topic, we might want to spend time figuring out our own undoubtedly complex responses to porn – whether we do or do not consume it, object to it, or feel ashamed of consuming it. My experience was that some of my own shame around my relationship with pornography was eased by thinking more deeply about a topic I had previously shunned in an effort to understand my teenagers’ experience.

Additionally, we can distinguish between porn and erotica. Both deal with sexually arousing subject matter, but there is a difference in the intention behind the content and how its creators approach their subject. The creator of erotica, whether in writing or art, views the subject matter as praiseworthy, something to take pleasure in, that is nonviolent. There is a rejoicing in the human form and an honouring of physical intimacy.

By contrast, the intention behind pornography is immediate and intense arousal; it is a money-making venture which often exploits women and much of it is more extreme. Porn actors are at high risk of being coerced or abused and the industry is rife with crime, including sexual crimes against children, committed not just by adults. Fifty-two per cent of reported sexual crimes against children in 2022 were committed by other children.  

Of course, this is a subtle discussion. One individual’s erotica may well be another’s pornography, and vice versa, not least because of the sheer variety of porn on offer, whether that is female-oriented porn, movie sex, or the kind of porn available online, all of which can be viewed differently by different people. What is banal to one person may elicit a sexual response in others.

But discussing some of the differences between erotica and porn might be your best chance of broaching a difficult subject.

What role, if any, does it play in a satisfying sexual relationship for them? Is there a distinction between people who have seen porn, and people who use it? Can they consider the intention behind any porn they watch? And are they aware of the effect pornography may be having on their own ability to have a satisfying relationship? How do they feel about being drawn to porn while simultaneously worried that it exploits those who are involved in its making?

In these kinds of open, non-judgemental chats, we can stress to them that being at ease with their own sexual identity, and sexual orientation, takes time. There is no rush. Working out what makes for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship can be the work of a lifetime – something that we too are still discovering. It’s not as if we necessarily have more answers than them.

Photo from Pexels by Git Stephen Gitau

Porn is often about something people do to each other; sex is more about something people do with each other. One answer to pornography is more mindful sex – being aware of our own bodies, paying attention to them, is critical, as it connects brains and bodies. If our brains are elsewhere, that connection is severed.

The more we can share with our children that their own sexuality is something that matters, that their own individual journey to discover it with others matters too, and that it is a journey on which we are there to support them, the more we will be pushing porn back into a less significant place in their lives.

One of the lovely things about sex and intimacy is we grow into these things, one wise friend told me. We find someone – rather than a screen – and we take a journey. And if that journey starts with leaping onto the fastest train possible, we wonder what else is left. An excellent way, Dads, to start a letter to your sons.

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Rachel Kelly’s new book "The Gift of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less", which covers topics such as those written about on Inspire the Mind, is available now at Waterstones.